Almost May

This time of year is when I start to remember the progression of my Dad's sickness. May 14th, Bob's Birthday and the day we got engaged was the first time we found out my Dad was suicidal. I sometimes feel like maybe I shouldn't talk about this or maybe people think that I should move on a little quicker. Maybe thinking about it makes people uncomfortable. I have no realm for that since my Aunt Mary committed suicide when I was 14. One thing I vowed after my Dad died is that this would not be a secret. This is not my "bad attitude" however there are two things that bother me after 3 years of surviving this. 1. So many people joke about killing themselves if something is too hard. Some people have even pointed an imaginary gun at their head and made the gesture of shooting themselves. There are other instances I won't mention because they were so horrid. Important people have done this, people who "should" know better. And yet it leaves me wondering when I have hurt someone by a thoughtless comment. wow. 2. I can't tell you how many times people have said that my Dad's suicide was a selfish act or that he had a choice. Let me tell you this, if someone had a choice they would not choose a painful and lonely death. Not to mention that I fully believe that my Dad had a mental break the two weeks before his death. He was not himself what so ever. Suicidal people believe that death is the only option to relieve their pain.

On the inside I always hope people don't think I can't move on or that I am living in the past. For myself, I have to say that suicide is a part of my life. It's not the only part of my life. I have a family, dogs that I love, a church, a small ministry in my garage, a job, a goal for another job, and a few awesome friends. Especially at this time of year I have to remember these things to be thankful for. I also have to accept that this strange plan for my life is not something I am skilled to understand.

There was one song I listened to for 2 solid months after my Dad's death. All the time.....non stop. I listened to it loud in the car and anywhere I could listen to it. I wanted so badly to believe the words. The last part is best if listened to very loud, possibly singing the words with everything you have inside.

My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand stands one who is my Savior.

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me, this I read
And in my heart I find a need of Him to be my Savior.

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior.

My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God; He was; My God He is
My God is always gonna be.