A Gift

So many words, but what to say? Molly has been God's perfect gift to me. Having her and loving her is something that I'll never fully understand on this side of heaven. It's a grief day. For those of you who "get it" you know and for those of you who don't, I pray that you never do. It's so crazy to feel sad, miss someone so much and be happy all at once. 15 months ago I would have crawled into bed on this kind of a day and slept until the next. Tonight I played ball in the front yard, ate shells and cheese for dinner, and then went to Sonic for iccccccce. Ice is Molly's new word and she stretchs out the C sound with her 5 front teeth showing. LOL!

A side note...these are several of my favorite pictures of M. I paid big bucks once for her pictures. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THEM. I think I get better expression from her.


13 months

10 months

Favorite face so far. 14 months

14 months

6 months. 2nd Favorite :)

95

Last night at class we got our final grades on our 1st exam. 95 for me! YES LORD!!!!! Then today I went to a meeting at TWU's Nursing School. If I take my pre-req classes at TWU I get .4 added to my GPA. They only look at 37 hours of undergrad work so this is good for me! Not to mention that the lowest GPA that they take is around a 3.8.

Dogs Everywhere!

Zozo on her pillow yesterday. LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey. Neurotic but sweet.

Rocky the dog who thinks he is a cat.

Spaghetti Anyone?

Who needs toys?

Molly loves this blue table more than any toy we have bought her. She pushes it everywhere. It's a table for her food and a cart for her toys. Who knew a $12 table from Canton would get such good use. Also she has this new thing where she walks around the house with her hands on top of her head. I have no idea!

PS-92 on my first exam!!!!!!! YES! Just give me the A for nursing school acceptance! I studied but not too much :)

Gratitude List Again

The last few days have been CRAZY at work. I'd love to get into specifics but it's too much to type. Words to sum up this place's leadership 1.dirty 2. manipulative 3. conniving 4. back stabbing 5. wishy washy 6. people pleasing (not me of course because I am new) 7. fake They make me realize that Mr. Cunningham was the BEST! He had so much integrity and I am realizing that more and more. Today I am grateful for having a job, Molly, Bob, medicine, getting to be around kids, my family, my home, my dogs, being able to handle confrontation in an adult way, God helping me fight fear, and the list could go on.

2 other things....I had my thyroid checked 4 weeks ago. It was way off. So I started a new medicine and have lost 7 pounds in 4 weeks. I couldn't shed the weight before because I had NO metabolism. It sucked to run 3 miles a day, eat like a bird, and never see results. Yeah thyroid medicine. Plus my energy level has doubled. AND I got a 110 on my first nutrition quiz!!!!!! YEEEEEE HAWWWW

Here are some photos from my Uncle Pat's 65th B-day party. I look a little rough but it was Saturday and I was done with make up and hair for the day!

Cousins from the Cook side + Uncle Danny and Nick

Uncle David, the one most like my Dad. I love being around him because it makes me feel like part of my Dad is still here.

Greasy girls in pink!

Radio Flyer

3 weeks ago Molly rode on a boy's trike just like this girly one. She loved it. I've been trying to hold off on buying it but I got out of control at Target this morning. The medal pole in the back helps the adult push and turn it. She thinks she is driving it herself. We went up and down the block about 10 times today.





Smoking Q-Tips

Is she really mine?

Hey Moms! Have you ever looked at your toddler and suddenly thought......this is not the baby I brought home from the hospital!!!!! I love her in a million more ways now. It just doesn't seem possible that 1 year ago all she could do was eat and lay in a bouncy seat.

Waiting for Dad!

She stood at the door for 30 minutes tonight saying DAAAAAAAAAAA!

Seperation Anxiety!

Well, today was the 1st day that Molly has ever cried when I left her. She grabbed my leg and started screaming. I was already late for school so I had to pry her off and hand her to Maria. I'll be honest, I was already not in the best of moods so it sent me straight to crying. My attitude needs a big adjustment this week! My job is driving me crazy, I want a public school job for the next 4 years during nursing school, yet I love the baby house and the parents at ESD, I want to know now what I'll be doing in the next 5 months and so on...................Not positive or healthy thinking at all. I decided to post this today because it will be interesting to look back in six months and see how God has opened and closed doors, despite me trying to control or out think the situation.

Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my first date with Bob. Just thinking of that reminds me of all that we have been through and how God always provides and takes care of us. See...it was good just to write it out :) On a last note my nutrition class is going well. The prof lectures VERY fast. If I didn't have some prior anatomy knowledge I'd be in big trouble! We get out at 7:30 every night and the class is supposed to go until 9:00. Fine by me, I just need the A to get in. First pop quiz next Monday.

Here are some pics of Rebecca and Molly at R's school. Bob took her lunch yesterday.

Day 16

Day 16 Walking! Molly was walking alone on Monday, January 19.

Day 15

Day 15 The Park. We love the park and walking path 1 mile from our house.

Dat 14

Day 14 Going back to school. Ok, I really wasn't going to tell anyone but I'm too excited! I am going back to school. When I started college I wanted to be a nurse. My freshman year my grades were not good enough to get into the college of nursing. So, I decided to teach. I can't live my whole life wondering what might have been. So.......with much thought and prayerful consideration I (we) are doing it. TWU has a bridge program for the more mature student-teeeheeeeheee! I will continue my job at ESD and go to school Friday nights and Saturdays (when and if I am accepted to the program). Right now I am taking 1 pre-req class, nutrition on Monday nights! If it goes as planned I'll have my nursting degree when Molly starts kindergarten. Then I won't have to miss the first day of dropping her off or her school parites. I couldn't take it. I have 7 more re-reqs to take; chemistry, anatomy 1 and 2, microbiology, us government, and statistics. Pray for good grades!!!!!!!!

Day 13

Day 13 More Psychodrama. (Alot to be thankful for) I have to say that the psychodrama was physically and mentally exhausting. I think that is the reason I haven't posted this week. My "psychodrama" of course revolved around my Dad's suicide. The therapist let me choose where to start. So, that is what came out of my mouth first. I can't explain the whole process but what I have taken from it is huge. Two things always to remember about suicide. 1. Suicide will always be part of my life. 2. At some point you have to move forward with gusto! 3. Yes I said two but it's really three part. The suicide and moving forward with gusto will always go hand in hand. At times they will seperate and other times be together. Confused a little but I "get it". The most valuable thing I learned there is that I can still have JOY and remember my Dad at the same time. You know it's weird even 2 1/2 years later I'll be playing at the park with Molly and some horrific thought will pop into my mind. (graphic things that I won't say on my blog) This is the way life will be for me for a long, long time. One friend told me that I had 2 years to grieve my Dad. I've for some reason believed this. The psychodrama therapist said 2 years was only the beginning. So, I need to be real and say that this still affects my every day life. Even writing that on the blog makes me feel guilty or needy. I'm not looking for more sympathy, just friends and a place to say what is on my mind, instead of stuffing. Maybe one day (years from now) I'll be the wounded healer and bless some other suicide survivor's life.

Day 12

Day 12. Psychodrama. It's a type of therapy (the name makes it sound very crazy). I wish they called it something else so it wouldn't give such a bad first impression. I went to one today and it was like 1 year of counseling all in one day. It's hard to explain the process in words so I am not going to attempt it. You can find out brief detail on www.wikapedia.com Talk about unloading some grief. I'm so glad I risked it and put myself out there. Wow!

Day 11

Day 11 Compassion International. http://www.compassion.com/ It's my favorite charity. They release children from poverty in the name of Jesus. Your $30 a month provides clothing, food, Bible school, and medical help for one child. Last year I gave one of my girls $10 for her birthday. She wrote me and said that she had purchased soap, writing paper, pencils, meat, rice, 2 dresses and a goat! Then she sent me a picture of her with her pet goat. You hear about these programs all the time and wonder, is this for real? Where is my money going? The children we sponsor write us letters on a monthly basis. Compassion also organizes yearly trips to all of the 3rd world countries to meet the children. Love it and yes I am hoping that all of you will check out their website and pick up a kiddo!

Day 10

Day 10 Miss M! 3 months old

Day 9 #2

Day 9 #2-The smell of dogs. Yes, that's right. Not how they smell when they dig up dead things in the yard. Just the "dog smell". Does anyone know what I am talking about? It's 1:00 am and I can't sleep. I just passed by the bathroom where Honey and Zoey are sleeping. It smells like dog, 240 pounds of dog for that matter. Makes me feel so at home.

Honey and Zoey on their new beds.

Day 9

Day 9 Doctors. I don't love going to the doctor but I sure am thankful for them so, yep they made the gratitude list. I actually had 2 doctor's appointments today. My psychiatrist is trying to help me rule out any other health issues in relation to depression. I have 2 doctors I LOVE! 1. Dr. Barry Knezek. He is the most wonderful caring psychiatrist on the planet. I know it's true because in the past several years I've dealt with many. 2. My OB-Dr. Mary Ann Franken. I feel like she saved Molly's life. She is the absolute best!

Day 8

Day 8 The movies!!!! I haven't been to a movie theatre in a whole year. This weekend I got to go twice. I saw Bride Wars with my girl cousins. We laughed and cried the whole way through. Today I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with my Mom. It was excellent!!!!

Day 7

Day 7 S.M. Lockridge Sermon
S.M. Lockridge was an African American, evangelical preacher. From what I have read he preached this sermon without any notes. There is a video of the sermon. I bought it and tried to upload but it won't. Typing it out does NOT do it justice. I wish I could program my alarm clock to play it.

The Bible says my KING is the king of the Jews
He is the KING of Israel
He's the KING of righteousness
He's the KING of the ages
He's the KING of heaven
He's the KING of glory
He's the KING of kings and he's the Lord of Lords
THAT'S MY KING!
I wonder do you know him?
My KING is a sovereign king
No means of measure can define his limitless love
He's enduringly strong
He's entirely sincere
He's eternally steadfast
He's immortally graceful
He's imperially powerful
He's impartially merciful
Do you know him?
He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world
He's God's son
He's a sinner's savior
He's the centerpiece of civilization
He's unparalleled
He's unprecedented
He is the loftiest idea in literature
He's the highest personality in philosophy
He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology
He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient savior
I wonder, do you know him?
He supplies strength for the week
He's available for the tempted and the tried
He sympathizes and sustains
He guards and he guides
He heals the sick
He cleansed the lepers
He forgive sinners
His discharges debtors
He delivers the captive
He defends the feeble
He blesses the young
He serves the unfortunate
He regards the aged
He rewards the diligent and he beautifies the meager
I wonder if you know him?
He's the key to knowledge
He's the wellspring of wisdom
He's the doorway of deliverance
He's the pathway of peace
He's the roadway of righteousness
He's the highway of holiness
He's the gateway of glory
Do you know him?
His life is matchless
His goodness is limitless
His mercy is everlasting
His love never changes
His word is enough
His grace is sufficient
His reign is righteous
And his yoke is easy and his burden is light
I wish I could describe him to you
He's indescribable
He's incomprehensible
He's invincible
He's irresistible
You can't get him out of your mind
You can't get him off of your hand
You can't out live him and you can't live without him
The Pharisees couldn't stand him but they found out the couldn't stop him
Pilot couldn't find any fault in him
Herod couldn't kill him
Death couldn't handle him and the grave couldn't hold him!
That's my KING!